So 237 years ago, the now classic Christmas carol “The 12 Days of Christmas” was first published, according to the always trustworthy Wikipedia.
Most of us know this song, which is all about one-upping your own gift-giving during the 12 days leading up to Christmas.
However, after recently listening to this song repeatedly — not by choice — I’ve come to realize most of the gifts in the song are in fact terrible. Seriously.
The premise of this song is to show your true love how much you care about them by showering them with gifts, but if you give a person such terrible gifts, are they really your true love?
These gifts are so bad, that I’ve decided to rank these gifts from best to acceptable to terrible, so let’s dive right into it:
Five golden rings: Not only is the best gift in the song, it’s the best part of the song.
Whether you love, hate or just tolerate Christmas music, whenever five golden rings comes up in the song you can't help but belt out that part of the song.
Also, gift-wise, is this even a fair competition?
Beside the gaudiness factor and the fact that you would look like Mr. T if you wear all five at once, five golden rings is a legit, thoughtful and expensive gift.
Twelve drummers drumming: Rather than explain it to you myself, I’ll let the Andy “Nard Dog” Bernard show you why this gift is awesome and fits under the best umbrella.
Eight maids a milking: Farm fresh milk is delicious. Additionally, with eight maids milking presumably eight cows, you can do a lot with all that excess dairy.
You can make ice cream, butter, sour cream and most importantly CHEESE!!!! Or, you could just eat a ton of cereal.
Eleven pipers piping: One bagpipe playing during a solemn moment is special and can do something that magically makes people’s eyes suddenly watery. But 11 pipers is 10 too many, my friend.
Nine ladies dancing: If these nine dancing ladies do a classic Paula Abdul or Janet Jackson routine, then there’s no disputing the greatness of this gift.
However, I’m placing this in the acceptable category just in case something like this happens:
Ten lords a leaping: WHO WANTS TO SEE ONE LORD A LEAPING LET ALONE NINE MORE?!
There are only two lords I want to see leaping: Starlord from “Guardians of the Galaxy” and Lord Snow aka Jon Snow aka King in the North leaping onto the back of a dragon.
Since I’ve already gotten both of these both of these men use their vertical leap, my lords a leaping quota has been filled.
All the bird gifts: Half of the gifts on this list are bird-related. If you actually care for me, don’t buy me a bird unless it’s been killed, plucked, cleaned, seasoned, breaded and deep fried.
I would honestly have to consider severing ties with a person who bought me this many live birds and report them to some agency because this is not normal behavior.
Once again, the beautiful masterpiece — excluding later seasons — that is "The Office" gives a great example of why these bird gifts are terrible.