Healthcare checklist (Weekender)

Being sick feels like the end of the world when you're living by yourself.

I'd much rather have a hangover than be struck with some sort of affliction. A terrible curse that renders me functionless, lethargic and stupid. You think I'm being melodramatic, but I'd like to see how you feel with a stuffy nose, a swollen throat and a constant pressure building in your skull. Unable to breathe. Unable to eat properly. Unable to have patience. All you want to do is lay down on your back and pray this horrific ailment subsides the next morning.

Indeed, I am suffering from the common cold, or what I believe to be a common cold. I can't be sure. Only way to know with absolute certainty would be to visit a doctor's office. Those dreaded places, I can't stand them. No male can. It's a defect in our species. We'd rather die than see a doctor. 

That's why I believe in what many call "house remedies," homemade concoctions that cost less than over-the-counter medicine and can be consumed in public, unlike narcotics. Of course, I'm not one for ingesting mysterious med potions. I want the simple stuff. Here's my sick list:

Please note that this is merely a joke and that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

ORANGE JUICE

Whenever I started to feel under the weather, I'd make a bee line for the nearest supermarket and buy a couple gallons of orange juice. When I get home, I like to stuff one in the fridge to get chilled and drink the other as is, carrying the jug around with me as if I was one of those meatheads at the gym. The orange juice replenishes vitamin C, or so the commercials tell me. As far as I know, that's good for you.

GREEN TEA

I hate mentioning this part. A person can't go around admitting he drinks green tea in a public place, because sooner or later some hippie with brown teeth and bad skin is going to cling to you like a leech, spouting off their vast wisdom of tea remedies. Don't bother listening to these idiots. Nothing wrong with the cheap stuff. Just make sure you let the tea steep before drinking. I like to linger on that first sip and let my nostrils absorb the warm steam. Oh, there's also antioxidants in green tea. No idea what they do, but I just thought you should know.

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

Don't try to fiddle with this one by making a "homemade" chicken noodle soup passed down from your great-great nana. Just do yourself a favor and buy a can opener and at least a dozen cans of plain ol' chicken noddle soup. That ought to last you the rest of your natural born life, unless you're prone to licking the rims of stranger's half-finished glasses of beer at bars and restaurants. This warm, yellow water isn't the tastiest of foods, but it's effective. Hell, you probably can't taste anything anyways with all that tissue paper crammed up your nose.

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