10. Elvis lives! (We are not sure if it is the “thin” Elvis or the “fat” Elvis.)

9. Dave Bernstein will dance his “Lido Shuffle” while Boz Scaggs performs

8. Rosanne Barr has been hired to serve as our new racial sensitivity coordinator

7. Our attorney really does own the vast Kohl’s department store empire

6. North Korea’s supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, will bring his favorite bro, Donald Trump, to the festival

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5. Our neighborhood police will be confused when they try to cuff members of The Abe Stage headliner, Arrested Development

4. The show will be delayed at least an hour after several bands ride the Ferris wheel and become disoriented before they perform

3. If any of you commit criminal offenses, you have already been pardoned

2. Our attorney just married the princess of Denmark and will attend the big Roskilde Festival

1. There will be a five-minute moment of silence in remembrance of Dave The Goat

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