I may be the only person in the world who's ever voiced the following opinion, but "Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever" is better than you think.
Now, I'm not suggesting the 2014 Lifetime TV movie that featured the voice of "Parks and Recreation's" Audrey Plaza as the voice of the titular Internet tabby, will ever replace "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Miracle on 34th Street" as perennial Christmas fare, but it sorta kept my interest for approximately 92 minutes.
Did I watch it on my own volition? Yes. Was there a sniper waving around weaponry in my general direction at the time? No. I actually saw "Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever" on its first airing and didn't feel the least bit remorseful.
OK, maybe I felt some remorse, but I also realized there are many, many films that are far worse than the one starring a frowning feline.
If you type in the keyword "Christmas" at the Internet Movie Database, the website will return with around 5,300 suggestions of TV movies, specials or theatrical offerings matching your criteria.
Sure, many current films, like "Daddy's Home 2" and "A Bad Mom's Christmas" top the list while such popular holiday movies like "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," "Elf" and "Home Alone" deservedly take their place in IMDB's top ten.
Looking beyond that, you realize there's still a crap-load of lousy Christmas flicks.
Here's my personal list of seven yuletide movies that I've actually seen. So I can vouch that each film is guaranteed to make your season substantially less jolly.
So, ho, ho, yuck! Let's watch some holiday horrors, shall we?
7. "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1964)
When I was young, they actually showed this Grade Z movie at my elementary school. No, the story of Jolly Saint Nick invading the Red Planet wasn't a misguided attempt to scare delinquent second-graders into going straight. Instead, educators in the late '70s and early '80s considered this fractured flick as a form of entertainment.
6. "A Christmas Story 2" (2012)
Here's a fun fact: "A Christmas Story" -- the 1983 movie where nine-year-old Ralphie Peters longs for a Red Ryder air rifle -- was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress for being "culturally, historically or aesthetically significant." So, what about the direct-to-video sequel, in which a 15-year-old Ralphie Peters wants a used 1939 Mercury convertible for Christmas? I'm guessing the Library of Congress won't be asking for this turkey to be preserved.
5. "Santa with Muscles" (1996)
Some day we'll have to explain to our children that Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan) wasn't just some old dude who got caught with a sex tape. No, he was also known for some really crappy movies -- and, perhaps, for being a pro wrestler or something like that. During the 1990s, he made such cinematic cellar dwellers as "Suburban Commando," "Mt. Nanny" and, most distressingly, 1996's "Santa with Muscles," in which the Hulkster played an evil millionaire who believed he was Kris Kringle after getting bopped in the head. Sadly, the audience would wish for head trauma after seeing this abomination.
4. "Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman" (2000)
Do not confuse this movie with Michael Keaton's 1998 creepily Christmas-y but family friendly "Jack Frost." This campy horror-comedy is actually a sequel to 1997's low-budget "Jack Frost" that revolved around a killer snowman. Even thought the original and the sequel have acquired a cult following, both movies are lame and amateurish.
3. "Jingle All the Way" (1996) and "Jingle All the Way 2" (2014)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! That's how I felt after watching the original "Jingle" movie -- featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad and the late, great Phil Hartman. I have no idea what convinced me to rent the direct-to-video sequel -- starring Larry the Cable Guy, of all people.
2. "Elves" (1989)
What warms your cockles more than a Nazi experiment involving the selective breeding of elves into a race of diminutive supermen. Was that the original premise behind "Sophie's Choice?" Nope, it's the plot of "Elves," a movie that I saw repeatedly on HBO during my college years. To be honest, I thought it was merely an acid flashback, but the movie is real ... and disturbing!
1. "Saving Christmas" (2014)
Now, we've saved the best for last. Actually, it is considered the worst Christmas movie ever made as well as a contender for one of the worst movies of any genre ever made. In case you've never heard of "Saving Christmas," consider yourself lucky. It stars former teen idol Kirk Cameron ("Growing Pains") as a fictional version of himself. The movie literally scored a zero on Rotten Tomatoes and swept 2015's Golden Raspberry Awards for the worst movie of the year. Is it really that bad? Yes, it is. Should you rent it? Nope, it's online at YouTube and it's free of charge. I watched "Saving Christmas" for ten minutes before turning it off. I can survive some horrific holiday movies, but this one is even too egregious for me!