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Joe Dirt

Ready for more "Dirt" fun? David Spade returns as the mulleted master of comedy in "Joe Dirt 2," a sequel to the big-screen film. It co-stars Brittany Daniel and Mark McGrath. It makes its debut July 16 on Crackle.

Awards season descended upon Hollywood once again; bringing with it lavish parties for the rich and famous.

I was again working my security job and donned my black suit for an event at a secret location. I walked from where I was staying in Hollywood to the nightclub located on Sunset Blvd. and Crescent Heights Blvd. This was the staging area where guests and staff checked in before being shuttled to the party. I arrived before any of the guests and found my security people. I was given a radio and was told to hop on a shuttle bus which promptly took me up Laurel Canyon Blvd., turned into the Mount Olympus gates and arrived at One Electra Court.

When I arrived at the long driveway, the shuttle dropped me off and I walked my way to the house. At the top of the driveway there was a metal cage holding a live white tiger (which happened to be missing a couple of his sharp teeth). I took a small tour of the house before realizing this was where they had filmed some scenes from the Paul Rudd and Jason Segel film, ‘I Love You, Man.’ This party was being thrown by Brent Bolthouse, an actor, producer and major party planner.

I was posted at the entrance to the party, where all the guests would eventually be coming in.

The first guests to arrive were David Spade and his girlfriend of the minute. I had seen the two of them at other parties and events, so I knew she had been his main squeeze for a while, at least. The problem was the two of them arrived well before I was allowed to let anybody but workers into the party. Spade had a tendency to be among the first to arrive at parties.

“Hey man,” said Spade. “I know we are a bit early, but can you let us in?”

“Sorry, I have to wait for the word that we are allowing guests in,” I said.

“Come on, man,” said Spade. “She has to use the restroom.”

“If I let anybody in, I will probably lose my job,” I said.

Spade’s blond bombshell of a girlfriend then gave me a blistering scowl and promptly turned and walked out to the street. She lifted her skirt, popped a squat and pissed right on the concrete in front of many watching eyes.

Eventually I was given the word to let people into the party and the floodgates opened. So many familiar faces poured through the door. Hollywood was out for a fancy night in the hills.

Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon arrives at The People Magazine Awards at the Beverly Hilton hotel on Thursday, Dec. 18, 2014, in Beverly Hills, Calif. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

Arsenio Hall

Nick Cannon arrived and gave me a fist bump. He was to be the DJ for the evening. Arsenio Hall then walked by with a kind smile on his face, entering the dance floor area.

Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton

Paris, left, and Nicky Hilton arrive at The Weinstein Company 2012 Golden Globe After Party at the Beverly Hilton in Los Angeles. on Sunday, Jan. 15, 2012.

The Hilton sisters, Paris and Nicky came through the doors and after I greeted them, they ducked into the powder room. About ten minutes later, Paris exits the room and comes over to me. She was in party mode and gave me a kiss. Nicky then came out of the powder room and whisked her sister off to the dance floor where they danced the whole night away.

CHASEZ BASS FATONE KIRKPATRICK TIMBERLAKE

Boy bands dominated a decade ago. Among the biggest: NSync. From left, JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, and Justin Timberlake.

At this point everyone who was coming to the party had entered, so I started riding the shuttle and helping people get back down the hill and out of the party area. During one of these trips down the hill, NSYNC’s Lance Bass sat in the row behind me. During another one of the trips down the hill, Cameron Diaz was in a limo in front of the shuttle bus. Paparazzi was so concerned with capturing photos of Ms. Diaz that they were running between the shuttle and the limo (which were both moving, mind you). There was probably about five feet of space in between the two vehicles. The paparazzi proved themselves to be so crazy they were willing to risk life and limb for a photo of a celebrity.

Celebrity photos of the week

Actress Cameron Diaz poses for photographs during a photo call for the film Annie at the Corinthia hotel in central London, Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2014. (Photo by Joel Ryan/Invision/AP)

The night wound down and I rode the shuttle to the bottom of the hill one last time. I walked the dark streets of Hollywood and retired for the night, eager for dreams and silence.

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