Plan ahead to curb holiday conflict, manage stress

A delicious turkey and all the fixings are spread across a beautifully decorated table that would rival Martha Stewart's.

Family members and friends are sitting in the living room joyfully conversing about days gone by.

This idealistic holiday is unrealistic. As families gather, conflicts are bound to arise because of high expectations and unresolved family problems.

"With family there's a lot of history. Maybe it's a sibling we're not comfortable with," said therapist Kelli Pierce. "If there's unresolved issues from previous encounters, that tends to create a lot of tension in families."

Pierce, a therapist at Family Wellness Associates, 1115 Fifth St., said there are some things you can do ahead of time to avoid conflict and deescalate a hostile situation if one does develop.

Before shopping, decorating and attending holiday parties take over your schedule, she recommends making an appointment with your therapist to identify your limitations and to learn how to express them in a respectful manner. No matter how hard you try, she said you can't please everyone.

"When we try to say, 'I'm going to do this. I'm going to get through this,' we tend to just try to muffle our own thoughts and our own feelings with trying to just muddle through holidays because that's what we're expected to do," she said.

Know your boundaries. Buying gifts for all of your nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts and cousins might make them happy, but it's also likely to put a strain on your finances. Those charges on your credit card, Pierce said, will add additional stress in the new year.

"I think credit cards are a huge thing that create a lot of stress after the fact and it creates a lot of that post-holiday slump, where they're realizing, 'Oh my gosh, I spent more than I anticipated, maybe my budget is blown and I'm not really happy about things,'" she said.

Reining in your spending seems manageable, but what about those annoying, unruly relatives who will be visiting your home? How can you possibly manage to keep everyone in line?

Pierce said it may be a good idea to call family members ahead of time and create some conversation ground rules. She suggests simply saying, "This isn't an area I'm comfortable discussing, so I'd appreciate it if we didn't bring it up."

Stay away from hot button issues such as politics and money, if you know those around you don't have similar views. Conflicting views and beliefs, Pierce said, are likely to create tension and chaos and lead to hurt feelings.

"If you're new to an in-law's or significant other's family, pay attention and ask beforehand, 'Are there off limits subjects?'" she said. "Depending on the situation, what's the comfort level for other people? Is religion an off topic? Are politics off topic?"

When emotions do rise, so do voices. If one person can remain calm, acknowledge there is a difference of opinion and table the subject, Pierce said, the conflict should deescalate.

"If somebody just needs to leave the room for awhile, that's OK," she said. "To not expect everything to be perfect, I think, is a huge issue. We have these ideas of what we all would want our family gatherings to look like and they may be unrealistic."

Pierce also recommends thinking about how your own holiday traditions stress you out. She said people need to take care of themselves during the holiday season by eating healthy, getting adequate amounts of sleep and taking a break from the hustle and bustle with a walk or a trip to the gym.

"Make sure that you're taking care of yourself so you're able to handle things," she said.