For years, friends and family members have been going to Jan Smith for advice.
She’s not only good at dishing it out. She’s had to make changes, too.
She’s gone from stay-at-home mom to widow to late-life student and entrepreneur as the founder of Jan Smith Coaching & Counseling. And yet, even she acknowledges habits hard to change. Often it takes a jarring event to let go of an old way of life.
For Smith, that time came 13 years ago when her husband died. After working various jobs (from bookkeeper to pharmacy technician), she followed a delayed dream.
“If you’re in a room with me for more than 5 or 10 minutes, it’s like, tell me your story. What do you love? Who are you? What’s going on for you? This is who I am," she said. "I just needed those little letters that say I can actually do this.”
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She became a fully licensed marriage and family therapist in Iowa last year and Texas, where one of her sons lives, this past summer. Now that she has followed these steps herself, she’s officially helping others identify their strengths and set goals to create the life they want.
How is coaching different than counseling?
Coaching is more forward-based. It’s more goal-oriented and focuses on what you want to do, how are we going to get you there and what are we going to get done. We’re not really going to talk so much about the narcissist in your background or that you were always picked on in school. We’re trying to get you to be able to move forward.
What kind of clients come to you for coaching?
It’s really a broad spectrum of people because we’re all looking to do things, but the biggest thing is – they have to want to change.
What seems to be the tipping point that makes someone pick up the phone and call you for coaching?
The cliché is that when it hurts for to stay the same than it does to change. For a lot of people, it’s so much easier to stay doing what we know, what’s familiar. When we’re tired and busy, our knee-jerk reaction is to go with what’s happened. You almost need to have something that is changing that picture. It’s causing a big pain and they need to address it.
What happens during the initial life coaching session?
We’ll talk beforehand to make sure we’re what we call a “good fit.” Then, we’re going to talk about when did this work for you? Have you ever accomplished this goal in the past? What are you willing to put into it? How much do you want it? And really build on all the things to make it happen.
I would love to play the piano. I don’t want it enough to put in an hour a day practicing. That’s kind of the stuff we would start out with. How bad do you want this? Why do you want it? Because it’s exciting at the beginning and then it gets like, ugh, slogging. “Why” is what gets you through. You've got to figure out what your “what” is. What do you want? And then you've got to figure out the “why” because that’s the motor that keeps the car going.
If you don’t know why you’re doing this, about halfway through you're going to go, eh, it’s not worth the effort. And that’s where a lot of times people fail.
What’s the key to setting attainable goals?
You want to be specific. You want to make it so you will know when you’ve accomplished it. If you haven’t set the specific goal, you don’t get to rejoice in it. You don’t feel good about it. You don’t realize you can accomplish your goals.
So you want it to be specific and measurable. Sometimes people go, I want to lose 20 pounds in three weeks. You're not going to do that. You’re setting yourself up for failure. We do a lot of goals that are non-achievable. They’re discouraging. You’re better off not to do a goal than to do one that you’re just setting yourself up for failure.
You also want it to be relevant. Do I really care about this? Is it really worth my time and effort?
We make decisions in our lives every day. Why would someone need a life coach?
I always say, why did Michael Jordan need a coach? Did he not know how to play basketball by time he was 35? I’m pretty sure he did. But we need somebody else who has stepped outside. They can watch we’re doing. They can give us some perspective. They can help us to have some different ways of doing things, to encourage us to try some new things.
How is a life coach different than, say, talking to a well-meaning spouse, parent or friend?
Sometimes that can be all you need. It depends on that person. How much knowledge do they have? Are they willing to be honest with you? Sometimes they can be your best cheerleaders, your best encourager. But sometimes their perspective may not be as unbiased. Sometimes it’s nice to have a life coach to say, no, you’re kind of being a jerk. I’m not in that relationship like you are with your spouse. If you go away and leave me, it’s OK.
A coach takes a little pressure off of those relationships. As your spouse or friend, I may know that you had a tough time growing up, etc. and I’m going to give you a certain path because of that. As your life coach, that’s not what you’re paying me for. You’re paying me to say, OK, that’s not helping you. What do you want to do about it?
What are some tips you would give to someone looking to make changes in his or her life, especially coming into the New Year?
Most of us have been sold the bill of goods that if you start a new habit or new activity and if you can just hang on for 21 days, you’ll succeed. Most of us have gone, yeah, that didn’t really work for me so I must be defective. Something is wrong with me.
It takes a lot longer for most things. One study showed that to just eat a piece of fruit every day at lunch or do 15 minutes of running, it took most people 66 days to get that to be a habit. But if you know it’s going to take 66 days, then you don’t get discouraged at 21. A lot of things took 254 days and the study found that it also depends on the person. Some people are just more habit-resistant. It takes them a longer time. It also depends on what the habit is.
So give yourself that extra time. It’s going to take longer than 21 days. And you’re OK. You’re not a defective person because it didn’t get done in 21 days.
In your opinion, why do so many people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions?
We feel like we should make them, which means it isn’t something I really wanted to do. It’s just something I feel like I should do, especially the diet and exercise ones. Then, you’re not committed. It’s not achievable or it’s not specific enough. If I’m going to start being healthier, what does that mean? You’re going to workout. How many times a week? Get specific. If you’re going to workout three time a week and you do, then you get that encouragement.
Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?
I quit making resolutions years and years ago because I thought this is too depressing. Pick some stupid resolution. I’m going to lose 15 pounds in three weeks. Why would I want to do this to myself? Then I just feel bad about myself.
My experience has been that in your life, at some point, you sort of come to that place where you’re ready to do something. It might be at New Year’s. It might be in August. If your motivation is really there, grab that energy. For some people, it is New Year’s. Either way, make sure it’s something that you can succeed at so that you enjoy it, that you can be proud of it.
What changes can someone make for a happier, healthier life today?
Give yourself permission to be who you are and be nice to yourself. We’re mean to ourselves. Speak to yourself the way that you would speak to your best friend or somebody you’ve met on the street because most of us would not say those kinds of things to them. When you do that, I think you can be more honest and real about what you really want in life instead of what everybody thinks you should be doing.
And have some fun. We are really short on fun. I have a lot of clients – I’ve even gone to the point where I make up a little prescription pad and I write down, you need to have 30 minutes of fun this week. Literally, do it. You have to pick something right now. And you’re going to do that this week. Enjoy the things that you enjoy.
Is there anything else you would like to add or say about making achievable goals?
Write them down. You are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goal if you write it down. It’s really easy to forget it, ignore it, not commit to it. If it’s in the back of your head, it goes away. Keep your goals visible. That’s what the piece of paper is for. Keep it where you’re going to see it every day. Do everything you can do to make it easy to succeed. Sometimes we make our lives really hard and life is hard enough.
