All relationships have their highs and low, but when the lows seem to last longer than the highs, what should you do?
Jacqui Grabouski, an individual and couple's counselor with Family Wellness Associates, says Valentine’s Day can be a happy reminder of why you fell in love with your partner.
Grabouski says individuals not feeling joyful in a relationship, not wanting to spend quality time with their partner or not finding connection on an emotional, intellectual or physical level are telltale signs of a faltering relationship.
“It’s easy to forget, especially as times goes by, but Valentine’s Day can help you remember what first attracted you to this person and what you most admired about them.”
If it feels like the love is still present in the relationship, it may just need a bit of TLC.
People are also reading…
“There’s no substitute for actually spending quality time with your partner. Get away together, or at least find time for a date night,” says Grabouski.
Couples who need to work out more complex issues can benefit from the help of a couple’s counselor.
“Whether a couple is leaning towards a breakup or wanting to work towards a healthy and strong relationship, that’s a decision they have to make. I’m there to see what is good about the relationship and what needs to be worked on,” says Grabouski.
Grabouski hears the word “soul mates” a lot, but doesn’t think that can accurately describe a relationship.
“Everyone has rocky roads. It’s about learning how to deal with issues and pulling together to become stronger.”
Grabouski knows that all relationships are complex and different, but she has a simple equation for a lasting relationship.
“It’s not 50/50,” says Grabouski, “It’s 100/100. Both individuals need to be equally committed to improving the relationship. If the couple isn’t equally committed to getting better, they won’t get better.”
If a breakup does happen, Grabouski say the goal is to look back and learn from that relationship.
“When you’re working through feelings of anger, hurt, sadness or confusion, it’s a loss. It’s no different than working through the grief process. This can be done with a counselor, or at the very least, talking to a trusted friend.”
Finding a way to deal with your pain is the healthiest form of coping, Grabouski says.
“Some people dive into exercise, some learn a new skill. Everyone works through things in different ways, but finding a healthy outlet is the best way to get better.”
Grabouski also recommends journaling as a healthy outlet, but warns about sharing too much on social media.
“Sometimes rather than talking it out, people put things on social media that should maybe be kept for an intimate conversation. If someone is looking for attention or affirmation, it may sound like a good idea at the time to put things on the internet, but that could be hurtful to someone else.”
Other unhealthy forms of coping are substance abuse, focusing on revenge or sinking into depression.
Grabouski says around Valentine’s Day it can be a “difficult time” for those who recently went through a break-up.
“Don’t forget about those individuals who are going through a tough time or who are still looking for that special someone.”
To find that special someone, Grabouski says online dating is “healthy, as long as you don’t rush in.”
“Online dating is great for that initial connection, but if you’re looking for long-term happiness, it’s better to share similar values, morals and belief systems. Take it slow, and do like for a while. ”
