I hate taking off my shoes for security checks.
I also hate waiting in lines, listening for “updated” announcements and sleeping in airports.
Unfortunately, I got the thrill this summer when I happened to be on one of those flights that had “computer” problems.
To hedge my bets in advance (I haven’t been flying since the Wright Brothers for nothing), I got TSA Pre, the great card that allows you to board without taking off your shoes, separating your liquids or undressing in order to stand in an X-ray machine.
I also got the airline’s credit card, which allows me to have one free bag, Zone One boarding and lots of other perks.
How tough can traveling be under those circumstances, right?
Well, the first half hour went well. I zipped through security, found my gate and waited for the flight to be called.
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An hour later, there was still no announcement. A murmur spread through the waiting crowd: “Something’s wrong.”
Sure enough, the plane was experiencing “mechanical” difficulties and would be boarding “a bit late.” Since I had a connecting flight, I decided to ask if we’d take off and land in time.
“No problem,” the gate agent said. So I sat back down. And waited. Two hours passed. The crowd grew restless and word came down: “They’re sending in a mechanic and a part.” This, I was sure, would mean I’d miss my flight, so I got in line to ask an agent. The line was so long the departure time passed. It moved like a snail, too, since they only had one person at the gate. I got on the phone, called the airline and the clerk said she was “unaware” of any problem. “Your flight should be landing on time.” I didn’t know if I should laugh or tell her it wasn’t even moving from the gate.
The repair flight came an hour later and, in the meantime, I got on Twitter to see if I could learn anything more. “Private message us,” a note came back. The airline connected me with a reservations agent who said she would get me out on the next flight and get me on a connecting flight that would only require an hour layover. “I do have some bad news,” she said. “I can’t get you in First Class.” I didn’t have a First Class ticket anyway, so it didn’t matter. I thought I was in the clear.
Nope. The mechanic couldn’t fix the plane and we’d have to take a replacement. The replacement, however, was smaller than the broken plane so some people would have to give up their seats. The long line formed and quickly the mob turned angry. “I’m driving,” a woman announced. “Who’s going with me?” Remarkably, five or six people took her up on the offer and they left. I stuck it out and watched as the bidding rights went higher. The herd had been culled by the time they got to $800.
We got on the plane and waited. And waited. I fell asleep and, still, it hadn’t left.
Two hours later (without air), we took off and got to our first destination in 30 minutes.
I missed my connection, had to rebook and run. Because I was going to get on in mere minutes, I was unable to grab anything to eat. I had been gone 12 hours without anything to eat.
On the flight, the attendant said she had no gluten-free meals and the one snack she could offer (nuts) would not be served because someone was allergic to peanuts and they wouldn’t be able to offer them. “I can give you something to drink.” I asked for the whole can of Coke. “I’m sorry, sir, but we have to be able to service the whole flight.” Instead, I got a third of a can splashed over more ice than you’d find in Antarctica.
By the time I got to my destination I was ready to gnaw on the service dog that was seated behind me or the pacifier the baby in front of me had dropped. Because I arrived so late, the airport restaurants had already closed. I got in a cab, got to the hotel and made a meal out of the mints on my pillow.
On the return flight, I took a red-eye and realized the situation hadn’t improved. The airport was stacked with cots, mats and fast-food wrappers. Seats were nowhere to be found. Passengers for three flights waited at one gate. “Is this the right place?” I asked a woman standing next to me. “Who knows?” she said. “I just want to get on the first flight that’s leaving.”
Two hours later, I left. On the plane, I insisted on the whole can and relished each one of the nuts.
The upside? I had TSA Pre and didn’t have to take my shoes off when I checked in.
Sometimes, it’s the little things that matter.
