Parting Shot: Ahhhhh, to be cool in the summer

Oh, sure, I love to crank the thermostat in winter and pretend it’s warm. But I am not one to invite sweating. Blame my North Dakota roots. There, if we got above 70 we sounded a global warming alarm.

Here, I start turning on the air conditioning somewhere around March and don’t let it go until at least October. I’m so wary of being too hot, I’ll push it to the point where you can see your breath – and then I’ll get a blanket.

I love air conditioning and used to seek out places that advertised they had it: “In air-conditioned comfort!” “A hot movie in an icy cool theater!” “Come in! We’re cool!”

That was a big pitch when window units were as good as it got. As a kid, I created a fort out of fans, just to make sure I wasn’t sweating. (And, yes, they do work outside. Trust me.)

Now, of course, everything has air conditioning and people complain if it’s too cold.

My sister, for example, is the last person to visit on a hot day. She balks at kicking it on when it’s more than 100 degrees outside. She has been known to go full summers without it. And when she does decide to use it, she’ll set it at 80, just in case it might get too cold.

“I’ll just close the drapes. That’ll keep the house a lot cooler,” she says. It doesn’t and it also makes it impossible to find anything when you’re stumbling around in the dark. In the afternoon.

I’ve stayed in one of her second-floor bedrooms on a hot summer night and can attest that heat rises. “Don’t open the window,” she says. “You’ll never sleep with all that noise outside.”

Trust me, I’d rather deal with a 24-hour jackhammer squad than be locked up in a 90-degree room with a 4-inch-thick comforter on top of me.

Even with Ambien I can’t sleep under those conditions. (Throw in a stray fly and you might as well get up and help the construction workers supposedly lurking.)

In my house, the air runs so consistently you need an industrial-strength phone just to hear if someone’s calling.

Sure, the TV may need to be a “little” loud but that’s so you can hear it above that pleasant whir of the outdoor fan.

Condensation can be a problem on some mirrors but it’s just a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Damp basements occur with overly air-conditioned homes, too, but as long as you have a dehumidifier, you’re good.

The joy comes when you can drive in an air-conditioned car, get out in a slightly warm garage and make a quick entrance into an equally cool home. There, you can sip on an iced drink, enjoy a cool summer salad and take a nap under that four-inch comforter.

It doesn’t get much better than that, now does it? Bring on the jackhammers.