Parting Shot: Hold the movie, I have a phone call

After several warnings to “turn off your cellphone,” I’m assuming only those with a critical need to be contacted are actually leaving their phones on to get the crucial “rush to the hospital” messages so important to their careers.

How else can you explain a theater lit like a birthday cake, cellphones everywhere suddenly piercing the darkness?

Two or three years ago, you might have seen one or two people answer a phone during a film. Now, it’s rare to see two or three who don’t.

Are movies really that boring? Or are some cellphone owners so needy they can’t be unplugged for two hours?

Texts, though, are only part of the problem.

I’ve been near moviegoers who openly play games DURING a film. They’ll talk on the phone, too, loudly enough to let you know that they don’t care how rude they appear.

Toddlers run up and down the aisles (at R-rated films, no less) while mom jaws on the phone with one of her friends.

Neck pain must be a factor, as well.

In the past, offenders used to hold their phones in their laps. Now, they bring them up to eye level like Lewis and Clark trying to map uncharted territory.

In California the problem has gotten so bad, guards can be found INSIDE theaters, making sure moviegoers don’t use their phones at all. They’ll shine a light on an offender and, if he gets too obnoxious, kick him out of the theater. Presumably the guards are watching for patrons trying to record the films. But mostly, they’re protecting the environment for others. Doctors, be damned.

I’ve been at screenings where you’ve had to check your cellphone at the door and, frankly, this might be a trend worth encouraging.

If you’ve got an important call coming through, don’t go to the movie.

If you can’t trust your children home alone, get a sitter.

If you don’t like movies that take time to unfold, pick a different one.

Because we’ve become slaves to social media, folks with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts can’t wait until something is over to deliver an opinion.

There’s a selfie quest involved, too, and so many hashtags you’d think nothing stands alone.

The goal? Probably to be liked.

Because no one appears to be having face-to-face conversations, there’s a fear of looking like a failure. If someone is calling you, you’ve got to be popular. If you're talking to be people -- during a movie -- you must be the next best thing to  homecoming king or queen.

If you really do have an emergency (and, yes, emergency room physicians do go to films), take the call in the lobby.

Sure, you'll miss some of the action. But everyone else won't have to, too.

By jumping every time a phone buzzes, you’re no longer in control of your own life. But if you return the call after the movie, you’re in control.

Simple, right?

Now ponder the subject on your own and give me a call sometime.

If you can't get me, just assume I'm at the movies and I don't want to be interrupted.