When a friend told me she was going to avoid gluten for a month I laughed.
A month? Try “a life.”
That’s me – one of those gluten allergy people who look at a menu like we have X-ray vision.
Diagnosed three years ago (the technical term is “celiac disease”), I’ve spent weeks looking for food that tastes like the stuff I can no longer eat.
A gluten-free cinnamon roll? It probably exists. But it won’t taste anything like the one I crave.
I’ve searched for a good gluten-free hamburger bun, too, but after the first bite most of them fall apart.
Gluten-free pasta isn’t bad but it doesn’t hold up well the second day.
And gluten-free baking takes so much work (if you’re not making brownies) you’d be better off buying a bakery and forcing them to mix the 20 kinds of flour you need to make something taste “kind of” like the real thing.
People are also reading…
I searched for a gluten-free chocolate chip cookie (my go-to) for months and finally found one. On the East Coast. Until they became available locally, I had to order them in bulk. Most people put meat in their freezers. I had ultra-expensive chocolate chip cookies.
So, you say, how did you know you had this gluten “thing”?
It started with years of stomach aches – stomach aches that felt like a lot of different things. After my gall bladder was yanked (yeah, it could have been the gall bladder), I started feeling like a helium balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was fairly sluggish, too. And my knees were so bad I couldn’t bend down much. When every meal was quickly followed by a bathroom visit, I knew something was up. And sure enough, it was.
Researchers don’t exactly know why people are gluten-sensitive. Some say it could be due to the food we eat. Others say it goes back much further. I’m sure some of the things I passed off as nothing were signs. I’m confident a grandfather suffered from it as well.
But nobody heard of this gluten thing until it became trendy.
And then lots of people jumped on the bandwagon.
Me? I made fun of those people. I lived for fast food. If a day didn’t include one of my favorite food groups (chips, candy, soft drinks, fried foods) I wasn’t well. Then the “balloon days” started and I needed help.
When I was told it was a gluten allergy, I was relieved. But I was also plunged into a world that most don’t know exists.
If you need to be gluten-free, you have to be willing to tote food wherever you go.
Restaurants are often clueless (or unwilling to help); friends don’t realize what “gluten free” actually means.
“I made Rice Krispie Bars,” you’ll hear. But then you have to ask, “Did you use gluten-free Rice Krispies?” There’s a difference. And you won’t know that unless you look at the box. Never mind that they’re “rice” Krispies. There’s gluten in them.
Some toilet paper can have it, too.
If you don’t ask, that communion wafer you willingly take at church probably has it as well.
If you need to eat gluten-free, you'll quickly become a label reader. You'll scan every ingredient, look for the hidden buzz words and question anything that doesn’t overtly say “gluten-free.”
Sure, they’ve created gluten-free sections in some grocery stores. But you’ll have no clue how good the stuff tastes. Spend the big bucks (yup, the stuff isn’t cheap) and you’ll find you’re just throwing money away because a lot of GF stuff tastes like cardboard.
Go to the regular aisles and you’ll be spend so much time searching other shoppers will think you’re a clerk.
If you’re aren’t much of a cook, you’ll find you need to be.
In the early weeks of my GF life, I ate basically the same things. Day. After day. After day. If I went back to my old habits, there was a good chance I was going to get sick. And, I did.
I was better off eating the same GF casserole six days a week if it meant I wouldn’t feel ill.
When symptoms showed despite my vigilance, I realized there were other things that could tip me over the edge. Like shampoo. Hair dye. Prescription drugs.
To hedge my bets, I began filling my phone with apps that would answer the “Is this gluten-free?” question about most everything.
Now, I’m so tuned in, I could probably look at someone and tell the amount of gluten she eats.
Difficult? Sure. But it’s hardly life-altering. Without gluten, my joints are great, my energy is back and my stomach doesn't hurt.
Besides, potato chips, most soft drinks and lots of candy are gluten-free.
What more does a guy need?
