I’m always at a loss for words when someone loses a loved one.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t seem like enough. “Is there anything I can do?” rings hollow.
I wish I could remember what people said when my parents died. I know there were words that helped me move from one day to the next but, for the life of me, I can’t remember what they were.
I do know I was glad that people cared enough to reach out.
When you’re in the belly of the beast, your focus is split and you’re not quite sure what step you need to take. A lot rushes at you. A lot has to be decided quickly.
In some cases, if you’re lucky, those loved ones have done all the heavy lifting – they planned ahead, made detailed lists and informed someone in the family who is good at taking charge.
People are also reading…
Others have to wing it and wade through. Luckily, Mom handled everything when Dad died, then told me what she wanted when she was gone.
Their demands were simple – Dad wanted a good lunch after the funeral; Mom didn’t want “On Eagles Wings” to be sung. Their reasons? Dad said you could always tell a good funeral by the lunch that was served; Mom was tired of hearing that song at dozens of her friends’ farewells.
They had been to so many they weren’t afraid to share their desires.
At both of their funerals I caught myself thinking, “Dad would love to hear this” or “Mom would have been tickled to know that so-and-so came.” I knew the conversations couldn’t happen, but I stored the information, just in case.
Even though I couldn’t talk to them, I realized, they could talk to me. At the oddest times, I’d hear their voices: “Don’t let your sister get the best of you.” “You’re better than that.” “Come on, try one more time.”
In those moments, I’ve realized we never lose our loved ones. They’re still with us because we know exactly what they would say in any given situation.
Best of all, I know I can call on those memories when I need them most.
I can’t tell you how comforting that is.
They’re not around, but their smiles, their hugs, their pats on the back are.
If your relationship was solid, it doesn’t disappear. It just takes another form.
And that’s why I have trouble finding the right words to say to those who mourn.
Yes, this is a very sad time. But it isn’t goodbye. As long as you have those memories, your loved ones live on through you.
The responsibility, though, is on you -- you’ve got to keep them alive. You need to tell others about them. Share those fun stories and let people know just how important they were in your life.
It’s a big job, but you can do it.
As Mom once said, “I’m counting on you.”
